Just Short of THIS.

I was a bit disillusioned, I must admit.  Your wedding day.  Such hype.  Such anticipation.  And yet while discussing lace tablecloths, aisle runners, and cake fillings, nobody remembers to mention that you'd be 'winging' half of your table seating because Sally Sue and Uncle Wilbur will forget the importance of the reply card.  Nobody wanted to invite Sally Sue either, she was a last-minute obligation invite.

And the corsages? Who carelessly didn't mention that it's proper protocol for each of the readers to receive one? And candles .. oh, those damn candles. On top of everything else, I was supposed to remember to buy tea-lights? Wasn't there a candle attendant who handles that?  He must have played hooky that day and took my program designer with him.  And this nonsense about a 'mailbox'? I thought a white pillow case (or a fancy sham to be classe') would have worked perfectly. I was going to stuff it like I do with Halloween candy. Sans the shaving cream and eggs.

It was a whirlwind of last minute forgot-to-dos that I felt helpless against. And imagine me sitting there on my couch, lazily sipping a cup of coffee only a few days prior, pompously thinking I was on top of the game. Heavens no. I should have been using that leisurely afternoon to double check the tuxedo orders that would inevitably leave two groomsmen walking down the aisle with the wrong collars. Or maybe even spent the afternoon printing out the seating chart that ended up having to be rush ordered the day before and picked up in Hauppauge.  Who the hell lives in Hauppauge?

But all that aside, it brought me such joy the morning of the wedding when the circuits kept popping because there were too many blow-dryers working at the same time.  Running up and down the basement stairs really gave me that last-minute workout that all brides really don't get to experience enough. No need for a StairMaster. I've got it covered, thank you. I'm just waiting for my lip-sweat to start beading and falling down my chin then I'll be all set.

I think it might have been 104 degrees in my house that morning and not a breeze in the entire state of New York.  I had a towel wrapped around my neck like I was watching a Jane Fonda work out on VHS (I just assume they haven't converted them to DVD).  Hold on .. my washing machine cycle is finished. I do that stuff now. I'm a wife.

... ... ...

Where was I? Ah, yes. The wedding. The night before the wedding Chris, myself, his brother Steven, my best friend Emily and my mother would be running around doing all the jobs that the attendants skipped out on. Off to Michaels to buy a mailbox.  A frame for the seating chart? Oh no, of course we didn't get that yet. We'll swing by and do that after we head to HAUPPAUGE. We need to wash all the votive holders for the tea-lights? Why didn't my servant do that already? What do we pay her for!?? Oh that's right. This isn't a Louisiana plantation in the nineteenth century. I'll do all 100 them. Easy as cake. Cake. Cake. Did anyone drop off the cake topper to the catering hall? ..

Finally it was out of our hands. There was nothing more that could be done and I came to the reluctant realization that if it wasn't done by now, we would go without.  I would have to let everything else roll off my shoulders, even when the limo driver accused me of not telling him I needed the aisle runner.   "C'est la vie", right? I might as well be eating a croissant I was feeling so French. I could probably heat it up on my forehead.  But there are some moments that stick with you. Some profound memory that you won't forget, despite how seemingly insignificant to the day they might have been.  While still laying in bed, something like 5:30am, my mother rolled over, smiled and said, "It's your wedding day!" To which I opened my eyes, sneered and said, "Don't remind me."

And in spite of all of that, I got married. I was standing behind the glass doors of the church entrance, only able to see the blurred, distorted faces of the guests that had joined us that afternoon on September 4th, 2011.  My arm was tucked into my father's, my dress was fluffed, the music started and I took the first shaky step through the front doors and into the rest of my life.  3:26pm. There was a photo taken at that very moment and if you look closely it almost looks like I'm dragging my father along with me. Either I was too excited or he was thinking of bolting to the door before too many people noticed. If I was a betting woman ...

My mind, so fixated on smiling and looking at everyone for 'photos ops' nearly forgot that Chris was waiting on the other end of that walk. I finally looked up, caught his eye and thought, "Oh, Chris is here!" It was sort of the equivalent of him knocking on the front door because he forgot his keys and me greeting him with a shriek of joy and, "I haven't seen you in so long! I'm so glad you stopped by! Come in! Come in!" I don't know how I forgot, but I just did. And there he was, smiling nervously just the way he did when he proposed.  I expect to see that smile again, but not for a little while. I think that makes its special.

Everything felt serene and surreal at the same time.  It wasn't really happening. I was too young. I was still a little girl and this was just play-time.  How could I be a wife? I still wipe my nose on my sleeve when I can't find a tissue. I still flips socks inside out when I haven't done laundry. I figure if I put tin-foil on a cookie sheet, I never have to clean it. How can someone think this is appropriate? It felt like I was getting the 'go ahead' nod from some pimple-faced teenager at a roller coaster sign that reads, 'You Must Be THIS Tall to Ride' and I was clearly a few inches short of 'THIS'. Someone would notice. And if not, I was obviously going to fall out of the coaster's safety harnesses and plummet to my premature death.  No, I'm not comparing my marriage to my premature death .. well, I just did but that wasn't my point. I just felt like I was somehow cheating. Like I was getting away with something I wasn't allowed to have yet. When was my mom going to stand up and say, "Moo, (my nickname since I was, say, 2) you're just a little too young for this. Here, hop down. We'll get you a boyfriend instead. One that's just right for my big girl." This is so weird, but, that never happened. They let me go though with it and I didn't even fall out of the safety harness.

Oh and girls, I put a little vaseline on my finger earlier that day. Helped the ring slide right on! Princess Kate has nothing on me. But it's always a good idea to tip the groom-to-be in on the "twisting" technique. Push and twist. Push. and. twist.

The reception. Unfortunately we only had an hour long reception, including the cocktails, so it went by extraordinarily fast.  Oh no. I'm mistaken. We had a cocktail two-hour, and a four and a half hour reception. My mistake. Either way, it went by very fast. Here are some things I remember from the wedding.  The rasberry champagne in the bridal suite was perfection and so utterly necessary. Two .. maybe three glasses down the hatch. Both Chris and I made a face when the band leader tried to pronounce our last name and butchered it on the grand entrance.  Our first dance went well, Chris held an even tempo the whole time. A grand champagne pop. Maybe salad? Was there salad? No, it was shrimp on a pastry. I remember the shrimp and I'll admit I only remember the pastry part from pictures. So that's half a point. I remember 'Poker Face' and how I was glad they chose that Lady Gaga song, it's my favorite. I remember wondering if I told them it was. I remember 'Jailhouse Rock' because I requested it for my dad. He loves that song. Then it transitioned right into 'Hound Dog', how clever; an Elvis Double Feature.

I remember the speeches very well.  Both Emily and Steve did a wonderful job and both of them took shots at Chris. That was the best part. He stuck his face in a napkin he was laughing so hard. It might have even been from embarrassment: bonus. Emily spoke about how she knew Chris was the one for me and Steve spoke about how he knew I was the one for Chris.  Who knew a slap on the ass and a 'friendly elephant' knee to the posterior would make such an impact. And who knew butts would play such a large roll in our lives. Well, I sort of always knew.

I remember starting to eat dinner and unsuccessfully taking a few bites before being whisked off to do 'the rounds'.  I wanted to talk to everyone and sit down at each table, but I knew there was only a limited amount of time to see everyone who had come.  I think you'd need a 7 hour reception to really enjoy everyone's company.  But again, I only had the hour.  I danced so hard my side started to ache, so I went and sat down on my dad's lap.  When I got up, his older brother took my spot. A great photo followed.  I didn't cry during the Father-Daughter dance, but I made sure not to look up at my mom at any point, that've ruined me. There were camera flashes everywhere.  I got so used to having my picture taken that I even told my dad to lower his hand so they could see our faces.  I was becoming a pro.  The cake cutting.  Chris turned to my mom and  gave her a little laugh and a nod.  She swore that if he smashed it in my face, she would murder him on the dance floor and stomp on his corpse.  That was his way of teasing her to the very end.  He fed me nicely .. and I put some frosting on his nose. Photo op.

"I'm so happy you came." "It's so nice to meet you." "Thank you for coming." "So nice to see you." "Thank you for coming so far." "I'm so glad you're here." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thank you." "Thanks." "Are you having a good time?" "Thank you." "Let's get together after all this!" "Thank you." I wanted to be gracious but my cheeks hurt from smiling and my tongue felt dry. Where was my bridal attendant when I need a drink? Oh there she is, walking behind me and carrying my veil. That was so weird. Don't get me wrong though- I just put out an ad on Craigslist to see if an intern wants to dress in medieval garb and tag along while holding my purse. Someone will.

I think the last song of the night was "Shout", but I'm not 100 on that one. It was definitely played though .. so half point. I couldn't find my purse at the end of the night, my bridal attendant already had it waiting for me on the table as we were leaving.  Maybe she'll answer my ad. We got into the limo and we were exhausted and mildly cranky. We asked the driver what some of the weirdest bridal experiences were, sort of trying to trivialize any of our short-comings that day. He told us a story of a time when he was driving a groom to the church and on the way he asked to stop for a drink. The limo stopped at bar and ten minutes passed. The driver, Jim, went into the bar to try and keep things on schedule. "I'm not going", the groom said. Right then and there I was so incredibly thankful that Chris just showed up.

All in all, there's no way of being prepared for the day.  Nobody warns you about all the little things that leap out at you last minute.  I walked down the aisle without a runner, but I bet you nobody noticed.  Two groomsmen wore different shirts, but I bet you nobody noticed. At some point my flowers got swapped with a bridesmaid and I had the wrong bouquet, but I bet you nobody noticed.  It's great to try to get everything done.  It's honorable to give it your best shot.  But in the end, as I learned, it's more about the fact that we just showed up.

So in the end I got the ride without being THIS tall. I didn't get caught. I held on tight.  I closed my eyes and before I knew it I was white-knuckle, looping through the air.  So if you're fearful that you're not THIS tall, that you won't be allowed, that you're not old enough.. Just get on the line because you never know who's working the ride that day and YOUR tall might just be tall enough.

There's the dryer signal.